07-14-14 WWE RAW

by

STING

 

 

 

-I’m sober and John Cena started the show… I’m off to a great fucking start here. I can’t state how TIRED I am of seeing this dude on top. Yeah, I know there isn’t a lot of choices right now but fuck man. This fool goes on about his chances at retaining the title on Sunday. Luckily he doesn’t talk for too long when Roman Reigns comes through the crowd. These cargo pants he’s been wearing since the last ppv and a little too “Hardy boys” for my ass. Cena tries to get Reigns on the same page as him for tonight, he agrees but retorts with that leaving him and Cena alone. This is then interrupted by Dean Ambrose on the titantron who brings these fools back on the same page. Ambrose was then surrounded by Orton, Rollins and Kane who then beat his ass over and over. Reigns and Cena were nowhere to be found… bitches. Ambrose still shit talks them before Rollins hits the curb stomp on a bunch of boxes. This mother fucker right here is your real superstar.  That ended the segment… the announce team mention he’s being carted off to a medical facility. If this dude comes out during the main event, this crowd will lose its shit.

 

United States Champion Sheamus vs. The Miz

-here’s a match I don’t want to watch… Miz cut a promo that his photo will be on the titantron for the duration of this match, Christ. The Commentators talk about the battle royal for the Intercontinental Title at the ppv on Sunday… Personally, they might as well unify these titles since neither means shit anyhow. Fucking cursed IC Title. I was hoping the match would have ended during the break, but it didn’t… it finally ended when Sheamus missed a brogue kick, got caught up in the corner and Miz rolled him up for the pin…

Winner: Miz

 

-Orton, Kane and Rollins suck each other’s dicks about the beating they gave Ambrose earlier. Kane and Orton then bicker about who is going to win the title in the 4 way. Hunter then walks in to calm these bitches down. They walk off and Steph walks in to have an orgasm on Hunters leg. These jerk offs then make out for us all to see… get a room.

 

Dolph Ziggler vs. Fandango

-Fandango is lady-less now. Michael Cole then recaps his entire love story for the millionth time in WWE history. During this short match Layla and Summer Rae came out to dance on the announce table and distract their former lover for the fame-ass-er for the pin. After the match Layla and Summer dance round Ziggler while Fandango watches all sad-faced. Dolph’s gonna bang both of them and make Fandango watch from the corner with hand lotion and a moist towelette

Winner: Ziggler

 

-Michael Cole tells us the “free preview” is up tonight and to check it out… so after this long ass show, go sign up to see the WWE Network for another 15 minutes.

 

-sigh… the WWE does a Sonic fast food commercial with Damien Sandow dressed as one of these Sonic workers with skates… Adam Rose walks in and this gets retarded beyond any level of bullshit they’ve put Sandow in thus far… wait, let me think about that shit.

 

-Uso’s were coming out for a match but ended up getting the beat up at ringside by the Wyatt’s. I guess we’re not getting a match. It’s a night of beat downs thus far.

 

-what the fuck is a détente!? Well whatever it is Swagger and Rusev are having one next… sounds like a French version of the wobbly H… Nevermind it’s a fancy word for debate, oh well. I got all excited in shit. Michael Cole is overseeing this shit which has been put in to calm tension between these two countries… fucking Rocky 4. Lana says America is stupid… she’s actually pretty good here getting worked about as the crowd boo’s her. She and Zeb Colter go back and forth before Rusev declares “this is war”… at the ppv. Colter then takes a slap and the brawl between Swagger and Rusev breaks out. Rusev would go for the big kick when Swagger caught his leg and put him in the ankle lock before escaping to ringside. Crowd got into this segment like a mother fucker.

 

-Reigns and Cena in the locker room picking up their previous conversation… no one brings up the fact they just let Ambrose get mauled. The match for tonight looks to be a handicap match.

 

Alberto Del Rio vs. Rob Van Dam

-I feel like I’ve seen this match two hundred times. It might be closer to 10 but still. RVD got those dated “ECW” even though he wasn’t doing anything “extreme”. Del Rio did do the flash kick off the ring apron again which is a nice addition to his move set. This was a short match with RVD coming off with the 5 star frog splash took a pair of Del Rio knees. That set up the submission victory for ADR.

Winner: Del Rio

 

-the WWE tries to get people to buy the Network by showing the CM Punk documentary tomorrow night…

 

Nikki Bella vs. Alicia Fox & Cameron

-Nikki came out for what was supposed to be a tag team match… Steph came out to shit talk Brie and change the match up… Nikki took a double team beating which lead to “lets go Nikki” chants..!?!

Winners: Fox & Cameron

 

-OH SHIT SON! We got a STING commercial… relax it was for the WWE2K15 video game. Still dope and they were smart enough to let the crowd be heard through the promo video. Good shit!

 

-Hunter in the back when Orton walks up to talk about Kane. Hunter calls Kane a “pawn” and that he is the plan. Orton questions Hunter’s plan “B” and walks off… I prefer plan B…

 

-the Dust Brothers do another vignette… fools looks like they are going to make out…

 

Cesaro vs. Big E w/Kofi Kingston

-Lawler and Cole go over how Heyman either quit or got fired while he was in Japan, the fuck is that about…!? This was a stiff match, mostly on Cesaro’s end. Cesaro then tried to use a chair when Kofi took it away. This caused the distraction and Cesaro took the big ending for the pin… the fuck is going on with Cesaro!?!? They are bitching him out and now Heyman is gone from managing him!? Odd timing… even if Brock is coming back.

Winner: Big E

 

-Chris Jericho come and goes over his history in the WWE before bringing up the anomaly that is Bray Wyatt. Crowd was into Y2J’s promo before it was interrupted by Bray on the titantron. He brings up Jericho’s “save_us” and how he left us all behind. This was good although the live crowd chanted “boring”, that was a first. The lights then went out and Jericho was surrounded by Rowan and Harper who Jericho attacks then bounces, wise man. Y2J would then get clipped from behind by Bray who then hit the sister Abigail on the stage to Jericho before standing over him. I’m actually looking forward to this match even though its too early for it.

 

Diva’s Champion AJ vs. Eva Marie

-Paige was on commentary, she yaps about her “frienemy” relationship with AJ. Shockingly we get CM Punk chants during this shit… Christ, is Eva Marie just awful… too bad the WWE doesn’t do Playboy anymore, at least this chick could earn her contract by showing her na-na. AJ gets the black widow for the tap out. After the match AJ and Paige share pleasantries… its awkward and they should just kiss…

Winner: AJ

 

-Steph and Hunter marking out to Flo Rida showing up next week. #marks. Kane walks in and he bitches too, buck up big red monster.

 

Bo Dallas vs. Great Khali

-Bo wished before the match that his opponent tonight had a big a heart as El Torito… he got Khali… Khali chopped the shit out of Bo in the corner before he tried he’s own… didn’t work. This went to the outside where Bo clipped the leg then hit the bo dog off the apron for the count out victory. Bo tried t o cut a promo on Khali after the match but took chop to the head. Haha goofy.

Winner: Bo

 

-Hunter, Steph and Rollins in the back. If the Orton or Kane cant get the job done, Rollins is plan B… Paul Heyman then walks in who says he is biding his time and offers a plan C if the McMahon’s need it…

 

-Ric Flair is here! Looks like poor Renee Young is on interview duties, don’t drop them panties girl! Flair’s got this crowd in his hand. He is asked who he predicts will win the main event at the ppv… he goes with Cena… shitty choice bro… this brought out Roman Reigns who shakes hands with Flair… who then leaves… uh… ok? I guess its main event time…!? Flair gets up the ramp when Cena then comes out… Flair bows to Cena… get the fuck out of here… Cena then gives Flair the World Heavyweight Title, telling him to keep it and heads to the ring solely with the WWE Title… ?!

 

WWE World Champion John Cena & Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton, Seth Rollins & Kane

-match was fine, I was out of it. Too busy looking at Suicide Girls. There is just something about tattooed titties that makes me feel funny in that SPECIAL way… anyhow, Cena gets cornered and finally makes the hot tag to Reigns who cleans house. Rollins takes a bad landing and might have hurt his leg… fuck. Ref throws out the match when Kane and Orton double team Reigns. Cena tries to clean house only to take an accidental spear by Reigns… Orton then RKO’s Kane… Orton gloats and the show looks to end before Reigns spears the panties off Orton to stand tall. I don’t know if Ambrose was suppose to come out at the end before Rollins got possibly injured but I think this place would have blown up if they would have gotten him out to beat up on his former partner.

Winners: no contest.

 

-I’m gonna give this night a B-. It was a decent go home show but seeing CM Punk videos and that Sting commercial made the night… that is saying something.

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