08-05-13 WWE RAW

by

new-raw

 

-I’m drunk, let’s do this bullshit.

-Well shit, RAW started with fireworks! When was the last time we got that shit? Ah fuck, Steph’s in the ring… she brings up what Vince thinks about Daniel Bryan and how she had this idea for a makeover. She shows footage of Bryan getting pampered, working out and then eating a STEAK at a steakhouse! The horror of it all! They also measure him up for a suit… the crowd didn’t like this shit. Steph then intros the new Daniel Bryan new suit and all… He still has the hair (but slicked back) and beard. He thanks Steph for the makeover but then shits on what the company actually wants and its Cena. He then shits on Cena being an entertainer but he’s a wrestler! Dope! He puts over being a wrestler. He says if Cena gets fired he goes to his fancy house and never wrestles again but he would continue to wrestle as long as there was a ring. He then says that the crowd love wrestling too which gets a YES chant. This is probably the best Daniel Bryan promo ever!

 

-This then brings Vince McMahon to fuck this dope promo up… he brings up Bryan’s new look but he still doesn’t want Bryan or Cena as champion. Vince then shits on Bryan ending with him saying he looks like a mini Mick Foley… Vince then tells Bryan that if he wants his support he needs to shave the beard off… He then has the stage hands bring out a barber’s chair. Bryan wakes up the crowd and leads them in a no chant. Vince tries to put over that this needs to happen for him to be WWE Champion. Bryan then reluctantly heads to the chair before Vince brings out Wade Barrett for the shave job… the fuck? Bryan suckers Barrett with a head butt and Bryan ends up shaving Wade’s beard off… oops. Bryan then takes off his suit to reveal a “fear the beard” shit similar to Cena’s champ shirt… clever.

 

RVD vs. Alberto Del Rio w/Ricardo Rodriguez

-Ricardo’s back! Miz was on commentary since he’s “hosting” SummerSlam. Match was alright, although it did start stiff. Ending comes when Del Rio takes the bucket to the end in the corner and not RVD who rolls up the champion. ADR is pissed and beat the shit out of RR. Launching him out of the ring and then dropkicking the steps right into Ricardo’s head! Well I guess the fed was pissed at him getting suspended… #buried

Winner: RVD

 

-back from the break Cody Rhodes is in the ring with a gift for Damien Sandow… it’s the MITB briefcase fished out of the ocean. This brings in Sandow who after a stare down brawls with Cody for a sec before Cody boots him and Cody pockets the wet contract…

 

Ryback vs. Mark Henry

-we got a recap of what Ryback did to that kid at catering last week. Match didn’t last long when Ryback takes off and gets counted out… lame

Winner: Henry

 

-Bella’s in the back being caddy to each other about Total Diva’s… oh god. Eva Marie walks in to kiss ass before Natalya walks up… she slaps one of the Bella’s and the other Bella holds her sister while she continually says, “we’ll handle it our way”… haha! The fuck does that mean!? Talk shit behind this bitches back or to their boyfriends?! Haha

 

-Cena comes out next. He gets all defensive about his t-shirts and gets all ghetto about Bryan and shits on the indies… fuck you dog. He goes on to toot his own horn and what he’s done… whatever. He’s trying his ass off and to sound convincing yet he still gets a “boring” chant. Cena finally finishes when Randy Orton comes out all of a sudden… Orton comes out to pull out his MITB dick on Cena and his “champ is here” comment… this then brings out The Shield! The surround the ring before Bryan comes out to even things out. Maddox comes out and makes the match for tonight…

 

Tensai & Brodus Clay vs. The Wyatt Family

-squash. Rowan needs much protecting right now. After the match Bray comes in and hits his finisher on Clay before cutting one of his cryptic promos on Kane. Just as he finishes we get Kane’s promo and a backstage promo alluding that he’s taking on Bray at SummerSlam… possibly an inferno match.

Winner: Wyatt’s

 

-Josh in the back with Punk. He goes on about Axel not being his dad and how he’s gonna beat up Heyman.

 

Kaitlyn vs. Layla

-Layla is back to her Flawless character. During Layla’s beatdown AJ comes out and does a skipping job for the distraction. One kick to the head later and Layla wins. Layla and AJ skip after the match…

Winner: Layla

 

Christian vs. Heath Slater w/3MB

-Christian was too generous in this one and gave Heath too much. He finally got the win with the spear.

Winner: Christian

 

CM Punk vs. Intercontinental Champion Curtis Axel w/Paul Heyman

-a brawl before the match started this one off. That lead to Heyman getting out of dodge. Crowd was heavily behind Punk. Heyman shows back up mid match which finally leads to Punk getting his hands on him. This brings out Brock Lesnar. Cole and JBL put this over huge. Even though Axel gets involved he ends up taking out with a GTS. Brock the Punk then brawl at ringside, they are definitely building this up hard on commentary. Crowd is awesome for this! Punk finally gets chair shots on Brock and then goes for Heyman but in that distraction Brock F5’d Punk then took the chair to his back. Advantage Brock. Good segment but Brock’s chair shots first came off too protected.

Winner: Axel by DQ

 

-in the back Heyman, Brock and Axel get on the mic… Brock needs to NOT talk. Heyman wants to fight Punk next week…

 

Fandango w/Summer Rae vs. Kofi Kingston

-Kofi’s back and has new long tights. Short but possibly the best of the matches tonight and that’s barely a compliment for tonights show… Kofi wins with the TIP

Winner: Kofi

 

-Triple H in the back. Steph walks in fake crying about Vince chewing her out. HHH gets all pissed about Vince and yells a lot. He is going to stop whatever Vince has planned for SummerSlam… oh boy…

 

-Zeb Colter is in the ring next with his Real Americans. He gets cheap heat.

 

Real Americans w/Zeb Colter vs. The Uso’s

-short, fast paced and a little sloppy. Cesaro got the neutralizer after a Swagger cheap shot.

Winners: Real Americans

 

Dolph Ziggler vs. Big E Langston w/AJ

-fast paced and full of counters. Finally Kaitlyn comes out and brawls with AJ which leads to Ziggler getting distracted. Big E gets the big ending and puts Ziggler away. Interesting blow off…

Winner: Langston

 

-Josh in the crowd with some chicks from some reality summer camp show… stupid… soo stupid.

 

Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton & John Cena vs. The Shield

-Early on Bryan is kept cornered by the Shield. Cena get the blind tag but the ref isn’t buying it. This gets messy before Bryan gets the YES lock and the Shield attack for the …DQ?? Orton gets an RKO on Bryan then Cena… Orton then looks like he’s going to cash in before the Shield come back in and Orton bounces (which the crowd didn’t like) while the Shield beats on Cena and Bryan. Bryan then took a Shield bomb to end this.  The Shield stands over Bryan and Orton looks on to end the show…

Winner: ….!?

 

-christ, this RAW did almost NOTHING for me… Brock and Punk where about it. oh and Bryan’s promo. Fuck this show for making me sober.

 

 

 

 

 

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One Response to “08-05-13 WWE RAW”

  1. Estell Newton Says:

    I don’t like beards but Daniel wouldn’t be Daniel without his. Maybe Vince should turn the company over to level-headed Stephany and HHH. A J should be kept away from the ring if not in a match.

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