05-10-11 IMPACT WRESTLING

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Oh shit am I actually going to try and watch a TNA show and review it??? Well, I am liquored up and tempting myself. Let’s see if I make it the whole way through…

 

So Robert Roode is STILL champion and got a hair cut… RVD is the #1 contender!? Hogan is the GM, not Sting… Jeff Hard AND Mr. Kennedy still work here… so we’re still doing the same shit here…

 

Is RVD still relevant? I am asking seriously cause his TNA run has killed him off to me.

 

Roode is out to start the show, he yaps about taking Hardy, Anderson and RVD out, being a longer running champion in TNA than anyone else, how no one can stop him. Of course RVD comes out and runs off Roode. Anderson cuts off Roode then sends his ass to the ring… now Hardy comes out and its 3 on one until Hardy hits Anderson…? No idea why. D-Lo, Snow and Simon Diamond come out to stop this bowlshit.

 

Hogan comes out approving of this mess. The fuck? He wants to set up a fatal four way tonight but wants RVD’s opinion on this even though whoever wins gets the title shot… uh… why the fuck would he want to do this…!? Hogan talks RVD into this by saying if HE wins this match, he gets to pick a stip for the match… dude, just say no and keep your match… nope, this fool falls for it and agrees. Stupid.

 

That shit made no sense. But its TNA so I figured as much.

 

Bully Ray talks shit in the back about Austin Aries. Best dude in the promotion. So Aries is a goody now.

 

Matt Morgan and Crimson broke up? Awww.

 

Gail Kim bickers to Madison Rayne but she ain’t listening because she’s got some dude on her mind… don’t care.

 

Oh look it’s a Velvet Skye match… at least she’s covering up her shitty tattoos. Oh no she’s wrestling Tessmacher who now has a first name. She’s not the naughty secretary anymore and is all “USA”d out. Tessmacher shakes her ass like the stripper she was before wrestling… so wait, which one is worse wrestling or shaking that shit for tips?? Tenay says TNA is moving an hour earlier soon… well at least it will get this shit done sooner. Skye tries to add fancy shit to her arsenal but it still looks like she went to the wrestling school of Kelly Kelly, painful. So um, Tessmacher won this shit with a BAD facebuster. She gets jumped by Gail after the match. this bitch gets eat-defeat for her troubles.

 

Definitely a Diva-slop-fest.

 

James Storm video snippet where he sounds all sad and emo n shit.

 

OOOO Max Payne 3!

 

I am SO seeing Snow White and the Huntsman! Looks bomb.

 

I hate that Droid Razr commercial with them crying bitches.

 

AJ is all mad backstage about Kurt Angle and some secret.

 

Jeff Hardy talking some shit about the match tonight.

 

Oh no, bowling shoe ugly match… Crimson (who’s STILL undefeated) against Matt Morgan… ugh. Wait, why am I watching TNA all of a sudden tonight when I haven’t been in a long ass time…? Well these are the reasons I wasn’t… Bully Ray beats on Morgan before the match, isn’t his shit with Aries??… well hopefully this will make this match quick… Bully tells the camera man that will be Austin Aries, dude is so dope! Our cast of back stage characters is out again to check on Morgan who’s now bloody. Morgan does the Terry Funk arm shake. Haha! Looks like this fool is getting carted out… YAY NO MATCH!

 

ANOTHER shot of Jack Daniels! This is what happens when your mother-in-law buys you a big ass bottle of Jack for fixing her computer n shit! USA! USA! USA!

 

SHIT, if you haven’t seen the Avengers… don’t be a bitch! See that shit already, fuck!

 

Damn a Wild Turkey commercial! Haha! Yeah bitches.

 

Commercial for RVD vs. Roode…  even thought that could change… and the ppv is Sunday….

 

After the break Morgan is getting carted out still shaking his “Funk” hand.

 

Crimson cuts an atrocious promo on Morgan before asking the ref to count Morgan out. Stupid ref wastes time and does this. This moron is still “undefeated”. This fool gets BACK on the mic after the count out victory. Damn, they just cut to this bitch at ringside with some BIG ass shaking titties! Thanks TNA!

 

Video promo on RVD who doesn’t wish how he was as a kid on anyone… sorry dude, there are kids in high school that are just as high as you…

 

Matt Morgan car insurance commercial… Christ this looks like a bad SNL skit.

 

Tenay pushes a fucking James Storm music video! BAH-HAHAHA!

 

Nice we get a Zima Ion vs. Austin Aries match next… so I guess its safe to assume that Aries is a full on face now? Ion’s gimmick is… his hair and a hair spray can that looks like a Campbell Soup label. Nice high paced match by both dudes. Aries is coming off like he should be the biggest face in this company by crowd reaction alone! Aries wins this match with the brainbuster. Bigger pop for him than anyone else thus far. Oh I miss this style of TNA.

 

Daniels and Kazarian in the back, they know about this AJ Styles secret… so they aren’t friend anymore? Aww.

 

RVD promo in the back about his match tonight and how he thinks he’s funna win tonight in this 4 way. Dude looks as high as I am drunk… he uses the term “wrestling furniture”… haha! Fool.

 

A video package on Daniels, Kaz and AJ… this has been going on for a while… something about an envelope and its “secret”… oooo!

 

Kaz and Daniels in the ring, they want Styles to come out and tell us what this nonsense is about. He finally comes out to address this mysterious envelope. Lame story short… it’s a photo of Styles and Dixie Carter… but they got more pictures… AJ’s touching Dixie’s face… unless this ends with a blow job I don’t care… ok it doesn’t but it looks like a picture of AJ kissing on Dixie. Oooo…. Oh wait, no big deal… Daniel’s makes it a big deal and apparently so deal AJ… they play it up like this is how he got so many breaks in TNA… god forbid he was actually dope here. Shit ends thankfully… but cuts right into another crying bitches Verizon commercial… god dammit.

 

Devon is the TV champion and he’s taking on Zack Ryder Robbie E next… Tenay and Taz mention that the TV title is being defended weekly on TV now, about fucking time. Devon wins this shit quick with a uranage. Rob Terry beats on Devon after the match which means this nonsense with Jersey continues.

 

Video footage of James Storms being a sad faced clown is shown. Before they cut to another video of him at home being all emo about losing to Roode at the last ppv. Oh get over it and buck up cowboy! Shit.

 

Some dude doesn’t know where the ring is while he’s walking in the back. His name is Joseph Parks… like in Abyss, Parks?

 

Devon in the back taking shit about the Robbies… ppv match is what he wants. Glad he is getting time on TV.

 

Video package on Joseph Parks looking for his brother Abyss… I googled… same dude. Joseph comes out to the ring in a suit… Abyss looks like a dork without his mask. Keep the mask on dude. He plays dumb on shit like getting into the ring and using a mic. Fake brother blames Bully Ray on the disappearance of his brother… um himself I mean… Bully Ray comes down and busts the balls of this “lawyer”. Lawyer guy puts Bully on blast which gets “you’re a loser chant”. disrespectful. Bully has enough of this and hits the suit before he bounces… ok whatevers.

 

Oh no… Kennedy promo… just as bad as its always been since he’s been in TNA. Too much man.

 

MMA Uncensored and King Mo says some shit about TNA… oh no is this real?? Is TNA trying to pull off some Brock Lesnar shit here?? BAH!

 

They show flashback Slammiversary videos… haha! Stupid! this video is Hogan shooting down Hall, Nash and Waltman… and what does this accomplish???

 

Kurt Angle doesn’t give a fuck about AJ Styles and his hickey-giving-photos.

 

Video package on RVD… well I guess he’s still big shit here.

 

Main event time.

 

The short hair works on Roode. Good choice. #nohomo

 

Shit starts off with all three (Kennedy, Hardy and RVD) trying to beat on Roode. Roode has “IT Factor” on his tights, bold. He clears the ring leaving Hardy before the commercial break.

 

Oh no I’m sobering up….

 

Anyhow, RVD wins the match with the 5 star but only AFTER Anderson hits a mic check but then he spears Hardy to the outside instead of covering Roode… dumb. Roode and RVD go to a ladder match at the ppv.

 

Well shit, I made it out the other side before I fully sobered up and realized what I just did! LOL!

 

Oh wait… this isn’t over… Abyss returns… he cuts a promo… on his brother to back off… uh… well that made no sense at all. Stupid TNA.

 

Off to take a couple more shots of Jack, see you Monday fuckers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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