7-28-11 Impact Wrestling

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Yo, it’s Great Puma here. Mascara de Fuego is off painting Captain America’s shield so he can make it all Captain Cuban and stuff. Since the Cuban flag has the same colors the shield ended up looking the same. Oh well.

Kendrick goes all poetic, Velvet ain’t gonna be bullied no more, and Sting got on a fly ass red suit. All this and more after the jump!

Kurt Angle and Hulk Hogan start the show off with a pow wow. Angle says he wants to beat Sting to be the Best in the World. Hogan says he can relate to being the Best in the World because he invented Pro Wrestling and that he was a Pro Wrestling God when Angle was just in diapers.

Hogan then shits on Angle’s Olympic Gold Medal and tries to justify why Angle should beat Sting. Angle alludes to Hogan calling for Angle to take out Sting instead of doing it himself. I could have sworn there were violins playing behind this bullshit.

They cut to Eric Bischoff receiving an envelope from the Network.

RVD pins Gunner – BFG (Bound for Glory Match)

RVD wiggles out of Gunner’s finisher and then hits a Five-Star Frogsplash for the win.

Eric Bischoff and Immortal are shooting the shit backstage. Eric tells his boys that the letter stated that the Network wanted to sign more X-Division wrestlers. Sting shows up in a fancy ass red suit and carrying a covered cage and says he’s now a Network Executive. He’s wearing a suit so they all believe him. Sting makes a Kurt Angle vs. Ken Anderson a Steel Cage Match. He warns Immortal that Fortune is going to be at ringside. Immortal put on their acting boots and act all upset.

Brian Kendrick and Alex Shelly are in the ring. They call out Austin Aries on his cheating. Aries comes down and says he’s in TNA to win at all costs. Kendrick waxes all poetic and Shelley translates it as Aries should take his five-star matches and shove them up his ass. Shelley then says he was granted another title shot in a three-way match with Aries and Kendrick at Hardcore Justice.

Abyss comes out and says he’s going to beat Kendrick tonight and he’s going to end the X-Division tonight. Sting shows up on the video screen behind Abyss and makes their match an Ultimate X match. Abyss acts like a brat.

Matt Morgan interview.

  • He says he tore his pectoral muscle and it’s such bad timing because he really needs the World Title really bad. Effective I guess. I still can’t root for this guy.

Bully Ray is backstage and says he ain’t sweating Red because he’s a freakin’ legend. Ray cuts this promo and says he’s playing Angry Birds. Excellent shit as always from Bully Ray. Of course this means he’s going to lose.

Red pins Bully Ray – BFG Match

Bully Ray controls ALL of the match until the end when Red hits a Sitout Powerbomb for the win. Odd match. Besides the promo, it wasn’t like Ray acted like he didn’t take the match seriously. Ray put in his usual brutal offense before he lost.

They show Eric Bischoff looking pained again as he tries to reach the Network. Boring. I really hate seeing this piece of shit on my TV.

Winter w/ Angelina pins Tara w/ Ms. Tessmacher

Sick Tarantula over the ropes by Tara! Love that shit. Tara dominates for most of the match but Winter catches her with her Swinging Bossman Slam Backbreaker over the knee for the win. If this was my fed, Tara would be the Divas Knockouts champion. She MADE this match watchable.

Ultimate X Match

Brian Kendrick defeats Abyss

Kendrick climbs the ropes but Abyss keeps pulling him down and punishing him. Finally, Abyss lifts Kendrick up for a powerbomb, then Kendrick literally climbs Abyss to grab the title and win the match. I think it would have been interesting to see Abyss try to climb the ropes at least once. I dunno, that’s the only way he can win, right? Right?

Eric Young visits Joel Dean, David Hasselhoff’s agent. Eric is wearing a dope ‘E’ mashup with the Captain America logo t-shirt. Eric says he should be signed. Dean told Eric to learn how to act. Eric says okay and then strips down to his undies. I hope Eric Young gets taken seriously sooner than later. Funny but unnecessary.

Knockouts Promo

  • Velvet Sky and Traci Brooks are in the ring. Jackie and ODB join them and say that their feud won’t end until they beat Velvet down. Velvet then says she’s not going to be bullied anymore. If I was a little girl, I’d be inspired by the anti-bullying message.

Sting speaks with Chris Daniels, Beer Money, AJ Styles and Kazarian about being the Network representatives and guarding the Steel Cage match.

Steel Cage Match

Kurt Angle pins Ken Anderson

The Network representatives (Chris Daniels, Beer Money, AJ Styles and Kazarian) come down to ringside.

They keep cutting to Eric Bischoff being treated like a punk by the Network. He keeps whining and whining. Lord. Sting walks in and goes full-Ledger and says he’s not the Network executive. He says it feels good to wear a suit and then opens the birdcage and a black and white crow looking bird flies out and torments Eric.

Angle and Anderson exchange holds at the start. Angle kicks out of a Mic Check. Anderson escapes an Ankle Lock with a forward roll.

Clusterfuck city. Bully Ray comes down and distracts Anderson, Kurt hits the Angle Slam and it’s over.

The lights go dark and Sting is in the middle of the ring with Angle. They have a stare down and then Sting raises Angle’s hand. They talk as the show goes off the air.

So they started and killed a “Sting is a Network Exec” storyline in one frikken show. They could have milked this until the pay per view but they did this all in one damn two-hour show. Amazing. This makes the CM Punk angle look like an epic pro wrestling saga. Not sure what I just watched but I wouldn’t recommend any matches from this episode.

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One Response to “7-28-11 Impact Wrestling”

  1. Mascara De Fuego Says:

    thanks for covering home boy, sounded like a pretty painful show… :S

    the shield looks amazing, FIGHT ON Captain Cuba!

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