So many WWE Champions you can throw a stick at it…
For those of you who haven’t seen CM Punk’s tweets yet, he’s crapping on the tournament final match tonight, Rey Mysterio and The Miz. Funny.
The show starts with a “spinner” belt at ringside, well fuck we still trying to pull off this belt?! Shit. We’re starting off with the finals for the title.
Tournament Final for the WWE Title – Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz. Having this match start the show gives me a funny feeling that things are afoot at the Circle K tonight. Both get proper ring intros from Justin Roberts. Cole claims nothing in America is as important as thing right now… “Miz is awesome” chant. Miz starts off with quick covers. Hurricanranna is blocked by Miz sending Rey head first on the top turn buckle. Cole puts over Miz over and over again. 619 chant. Still the crowd is strange tonight, like they are waiting for something else to happen. Miz dominating right now leading to a nice baseball slide dropick by Miz. Rey ends up sending Miz into the steel steps on the outside before we go to commercial, my name… is Keith Stone… Am I the only one kinda hyped for Planet of the Apes?… Lawler claims when we come back that this is not boring government talk… no, no Jerry that is REAL LIFE… this is fantasy, we got real problems n shit. Anyhow, Miz is still dominating until Miz takes the shoulder in the corner but he fights back with the kneeling DDT for a 2 count on Rey. Another close pin for Miz. Miz blocks the 619 and does a springboard powerbomb!!! Dope! 2 count on that one. Tree of woe to Rey in the corner, he’s really taking the whooping tonight folks. Rey moves before Miz can hit the running knee, hurricannranna, 619 and dive from the top, REY MYSTERIO IS THE NEW WWE CHAMPION! Ok match. They cut to the locker watching on. Rey celebrates in the ring with the belt that’s weighs more than he does. Miz hits Rey from behind and to the surprise of no one Alberto Del Rio is out with this briefcase to cash in… Oh shit Rey from over the ropes to Alberto and ADR chick shits out and bounces with his briefcase. Oh WWE, outsmarting everyone who thought ADR would be champion tonight. well its only 6:20pm… good shit for Rey, now lets hope it lasts.
Cole brings up Triple H and how he is giving the state of the WWE tonight… oh man…
The SummerSlam commercial is goofy.
Rey in the back doing the walk and even hugs Beth Phoenix. BAH! Rey gets the champagne before assclown Cena stops the party to congratulate Rey. Josh asks about his win… oh hey its Titus O’neil, does he still suck? Rey cuts a typical promo for him before going back to the champagne, make it rain.
Sad faced music played while we recap Triple H and Vince from last week. They keep playing over the “thank you Vince” to drive the point home.
Recap of the shenanigans from the Kofi vs. Dolph match from last week.
Oh no Dolph has a new version of his song. Haha its “tough guy” version of his music.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Evan Bourne. Cole brings up Ziggler being a former World Champion, how short does it have to be for it to count as officially a “champion”? Ziggler keeping Bourne grounded. “Vicki sucks” chant. Bourne misses the shooting star then gets hit with the Zig Zag and gets put in a sleeper for the win for Ziggler. SO tonight it takes 3 moves to finish someone off. Or for those of you playing at home, press down, up, up, down, left and right.
Kofi and Del Rio get a rematch from last week.
Jericho!? Oh it’s just a commercial for the best of the 21st century. Available tomorrow?! Fuck are they pumping these out every week now!?
Bella’s and Eve argue until… yeah Keith Stone comes out and they have to explain him what’s going with them… He draws an entire tattoo sleeve on Nicki… impressive. Haha We get a disclaimer before the segment ends to “drink responsibly”. This show makes me drink and not because you’re promoting beer..
Eve and Kelly Kelly vs. Maryse and Melina. Eve is stripper bumpin’ her ass now. Maryse now has a “ass in your face” move like Kelly, WWWWEEEE! Kelly has now added the slap in the ass as a move. Kelly teases Maryse with her hair whipping move. Kelly pins Melina with the leg drop screamy thingy she does.
Triple H is seen the back with R-Truth. Cole and Lawler mention how HHH is going to cover CM Punk tonight.
Ah shit Cee Lo is going to perform at SummerSlam, that’s dope bitches.
Ok here we go, HHH McMahon is coming out for his state of the WWE thing. This is weird even if it isn’t for realies. Apparently HHH is announcing a major return to the WWE according to Lawler and Cole. HHH gets a chant. He wants to get something off his chest and acknowledges why people around the world are watching this and its due to one man’s vision and pure genius. HHH says “thank you Vince” which gets a mixed reaction but breaks into a light “thank you Vince” chant. He says he’s here to talk about the future not the past and congratulates Rey for winning the Title. HHH says we’re having a SECOND WWE Title match tonight and how both have agreed and Rey will defend against John Cena… you fucking kidding me with this bullshit?! Way to change things up assholes. HHH brings up this other person and we get a “CM Punk” chant. He said he’s resigned “him” back to RAW and OH SHIT JIM ROSS COMES OUT SON! Guess who’s back! This gets a smiley face à🙂 see I told you. Come on people, did you really thing Punk was coming back tonight?…
JR tries to shake Cole’s hand but he puts up the frowny face, Cole takes off his headseat and gets on the desk. Cole says with no disrespect to HHH but this isn’t the future of the WWE and calls JR the walking dead. He puts himself over and how he will do anything for the WWE but he will not sit next to JR and work with him. Cole shits on JR, his BBQ business and kissing Vince’s ass and now HHH’s. HHH tells Cole that he first was going to fire Cole… HHH tells a joke and it bombs… way to go boss. HHH tells him if he doesn’t do his job and show up on Friday he’s going to take it that he’s quitting. He tells Cole to take the night off but he decides to stay. Cole gets put in a match tonight, why are we going back to Cole it was hot like 2 months ago. This is going to long and boring. Cole does the slow walk to the back to change for his match.
The Truth now comes to the ring to spit conspiracies but he likes what he sees here with the new regime. He wants to know what he’s going to do for him and talks gibberish along the way. They bicker while Truth talks to himself then HHH does it too. Apparently Truth things this is crazy and goes to bounce but HHH tells him he re-signed another guy too… its John Morrison. They brawl. Can we end this segment now? Truth takes the starship pain.
Ok so off to a sloooow painful start in the HHH regime.
After the break HHH comes back out!?… oh its Michael Cole… uh he’s wearing HHH’s gear and doing the whole “the game” shtick. This is stupid yo! Why the fuck is this happening?!
Michael Cole vs…. ZACK RYDER! WWWYKI! Well if you’re going to get people to cheer for someone this is the way to do it! We get a “lets go Ryder” chant before he hits the rough rider on Cole for the pin… so did Ryder just pin HHH? Just sayin’.
Ricardo Rodriguez is out to intro Alberto Del Rio who shows up in a gangster ass Rolls Royce.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Kingston. ADR starts angry and stays on top for the early goings of the match. Kofi gets the close pin but ADR got to the ropes. ADR gets him in the arm breaker shortly after for the victory. Too quick of a match.
Josh in the back stops Miz and asks him about losing tonight. he’s mad about Cena having a title shot tonight and how this was all Cena’s fault to begin with. He shits on HHH and Rey Mysterio not having a face yet he’s the champion. He calls HHH’s new WWE a huge mistake.
Oh yay… a Diva battle royal next week to determine the #1 contender…
JR mentions they cant say CM Punk’s name, they treat his ass like Voldemort.
WWE Champion Rey Mysterio vs. John Cena. I really don’t want to watch this match, I have a bad feeling about this. These two don’t work well together, not even Rey can make Cena look good. Rey does a dive onto Cena on the outside. Cena does that slam that kinda looks like the AA but isn’t for a 2 count. Nice drop kick by Rey to Cena who was going for his shoulder block. Cena hits his YCSM fist drop then goes for the AA but Rey fights out of it. OH SHIT REY GETS THE STF ON CENA! that’s dope! Cena of course stands up out of it but his leg gives out before he can go for the AA, Rey hits the 619 and goes to the top for the dive but Cena gets the knees up and hurts his leg even more. Rey goes for the hurricaneranna but Cena just pushes him off, its ugly. Cena then hits his leg drop off the top for a 2 count. Well shit this match has picked up steam now hasn’t it?… Cena gets the AA and wins the title… you fucking kidding me with this shit… this is fucking retarded. John Cena a 9 time champion… This asshole helps Rey to his feet and raises his hand.
Music interrupts Cena, it’s the Cult of Personality by Living Colour… Cena looks around OH SHIT CM PUNK IS HERE!!!! DUDE IS IN HIS TIGHTS AND THE WWE TITLE BELT! So wait, why bother with all the shit that just happened then!?!?
Punk comes to the ring apron and points to his title belt. He and Cena stand face to face while Cena raises his belt followed by Punk who gets a bigger pop… and they go off air… so uh…
So this turned into WCW Nitro… why bother doing the tournament final and then have Cena win the belt from Rey only to have Punk come out at the end… Instead of juicing this with Punk going on and on that he is champion you just bring him back to TV!? They could have drawn this out for a while having Cena claim he’s champion even though Punk is… whatever. I gotta think about this shit. This is a mess. Great so we’ll get a unification title from Punk and Cena at SummerSlam with Cena riding off into the sunset with both titles…