05-12-11 TNA IMPACT! RANT

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Oh look out Hogan is in the back carrying around a pipe. Fucking Eric Bischoff is the voice of reason? He tells him to calm the fuck down. God this is going to be bad… as always.

Oh god, the show officially starts with the fucking Jarrett’s coming out to the ring. Lame story short, Jeff wants a truce… hasn’t he asked for this before? Karen has one of those voices that makes you want to stab yourself in the ears with a sharp pencil. Kurt comes out and covers the same ol’ shit and shills his “business partner”. I cant wait until Chyna debuts… oh fuck I just gave it away… ooops. Oh wait, no one cares!

Fuck I’m watching this on real time… why? I have no clue.

Tara and Madison Rayne take on Mickie James and Miss Tessmacher… Tara’s dressed like she’s working the Wednesday night shift at Shady Larry’s Burlesque show. Rayne and Tara ain’t getting along, I don’t think anyone cares. Tessmacher wins this shit, luckily she didn’t wrestle much this time.

Flair’s all excited about being back but then walks into a lip full from Hogan with him accusing him that he is the Network dude. Geez, the guy just got back and was happy about it. So insensitive Hogan. Bischoff AGAIN is cool hand Luke on this…

Tara in the back being gossipy. Rayne catches her talking shit. Oh smack.

Oh no its bad guy Tommy Dreamer trying TMZ’d by Jason Hervey. Styles sees this dude and starts asking more questions than he needs to be. Dreamer is all secretive about what’s going on and Styles gets pissy. Tommy asks what would Brian Boitano do.

Sting taking photos in the back with the TNA title. Don’t you think this dude has enough pictures of himself with the fucking belt!? He says something about RVD’s zigzags…?! I see a buddy comedy here, the preacher and the perpetually stoned.

Beer Money come out, they want to know who Matt Hardy’s… I sorry, “COLD BLOODED” Matt Hardy’s partner is for Sunday… the tanned drunky comes out but starts talking shit about Roode’s promo from last week even though he’s the only one who’s cut a descent promo. Hardy says Storm’s drinking makes him sick… sick as in hung over Matt? Cause damn home boy you been looking drunk for a while on TV, just sayin’. Hardy trying to talk shit is just bad. Oh shocking, Matt says his partner isn’t his brother Jeff… Hey look its Chris Harris… couldn’t this dude have updated his fucking look? Same ol’ shit.

Match number 2 (almost an hour in) was Sangriento taking on Suicide… didn’t this shit happen last week? Might as well, at least this shit was as entertaining as last week. The springboard stunner is a dope move.

They don’t even let Sangriento finish celebrating when Hogan, Bischoff and Flair come out. Flair end up nut shotting Suicide and kicking him out of the ring, well at least they are putting over the newer guys… Hogan wants the network exec out now… but he gets a commercial break instead. After the break these fools spawn the Jarrett’s. Mick Foley ends up being the network exec quite anticlimactically. Foley pie faces Bischoff and threatens Hogan that he will fire them all if he puts his hands on him. Foley says wrestling matters and that this shit isn’t TNA Wrestling and more but IMPACT Wrestling… cause a name change is going to solve this companies problems… ugh. Foley makes a 25 man battle royal for the main event tonight to determine the #1 contender… don’t we already have one?! Foley intro’s Chyna as Angle’s partner for the ppv. Well, at least she don’t look drunk or fucked up.

Isn’t there already an IMPACT Wrestling out there???

Foley in the back with Chyna after this mess in the ring, he’s all happy to be back. Chyna says nothing, well said.

It took an 1:12 but Anderson is in the back complaining about Foley, the battle royal, the title, blah blah fucking blah.

They go into the next match, Abyss vs. Crimson vs. Samoa Joe even though they JUST finished talking about how Abyss is taking on Crimson at the ppv for his undefeated streak. Shit ends when Crimson pins Joe after an Abyss black hole slam… yeah Joe got jobbed. Abyss jumps Crimson and Joe wipes his hands of this shit. Good idea. Abyss is missing a grip of teeth all of a sudden.

Mick Foley has a TNA dvd coming out. Oh man.

Finally its main event time with the 25 man battle royal… I hate battle royals when they are used to crown champions or number 1 contenders. They only time this shit ever worked was the Royal Rumble in ’92 when Flair won the WWF Title. So just when I was surprised that they were pushing Orlando Jordan in this match, I realized it was The Pope with his hair out… oops. Anyhow, the final four were Angle, Anderson, Jarrett and Bully Ray… Jarrett throws out Angle, Chyna throws out Jarrett and Anderson eliminates Bully Ray to become the #1 contender…. great.

Anderson has turned into the John Cena of TNA IMPACT… not a good thing.

RVD and Sting do the friendly bickering in the back. Anderson joins in to make this a hot mess.

Foley tried to emphasize “wrestling” tonight yet these matches tonight were subpar, the convoluted downward spiral of this company continues.

God damn I’m glad that Fighter Hayabusa doesn’t pay or cover TNA ppvs…

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