05-24-10 WWE RAW REVIEW (Guest Host John Lovitz)


A New RAW General Manager, a New United States Champion and the RAW Fatal Four Way Main Event is Set…

Batista opens the show this fool is classic. He comes out with his arm in a sling, ribs taped up and being helped by two refs. He’s selling the shit out of it, solid! Oh my god, he just used the refs head as a crutch to get into the ring. Now this fool is sitting in a wheel chair under his spotlight. This is good shit right here. He admits to saying “I quit” last night but because his life was threatened. He’s contemplating suing the WWE, Cena and every fan supporting what happened to him. While Batista is ranting still Bret Hart gets introduced as the NEW GM OF RAW! Thank fucking god it wasn’t Abe Washington!!!

Hart says that at the next ppv Cena will take on 3 opponents and that Batista has to qualify right now. Batista says he’s hurt but Bret says so is his oppoenent… Randy Orton! Batista is pissed and says he’ll quit if he needs to. Hart calls it a forfit by Batista and gives the match to Orton.

Bret then leaves while Batista is still threatening to quit. He is ranting how he will do it and how they will be so bored without him. He then says “I QUIT!” The crowd give Batista the goodbye chant while he stumbles out of the ring back into his wheelchair. Jesus, probably his best work to date and yet it really could be his last. That’s a real fucking bummer.

In a Fatal Four Way Qualifying match, Sheamus beat Mark Henry with the bicycle kick. Ok match, they played up an injured arm thing which lead to the kick for the pin.

So only one other person needs to be added to this match since we have Cena, Sheamus and Orton so far. So far this is a lame main event.

Jon Lovitz is doing a talent search tonight, stupid. Maryse comes in she’s got photos that would win his search. They bicker over stupid shit then Lovitz spits some shit in French.

Bret Hart in the back with Edge who’s trying to weasel into the Fatal Four Way match. Chris Jericho then walks in and he wants in the ppv main event too. Hart sets up Cena vs. Jericho vs. Edge. If either one wins they will be in the match if they lose they get nothing.

Maryse & Alicia Fox beat Diva’s Champion Eve Torres & Gail Kim when Maryse pins Eve. That’s all I gotta say about that.

For the vacant United States Championship, R-Truth beat The Miz for the title. Great back and forth match! Let these dudes feud that shit was entertaining! Good to see Truth get some WWE gold.

Lame John Cena promo. This dude trying to be funny ISN’T funny, the shit sounds forced. You will never be the Rock dude, sorry.

Jon Lovitz comes down to the ring with the Bella’s for this stupid contest. Khali and Runjin do Puttin’ on the Ritz ala Young Frankenstein but horrifically bad. Khali is horrible. Jillain gets buzzed even before she starts, that was funny. Lovitz is going to start seeking talent from the crowd… oh god. Definite plant who pulls his eye ball out of the socket, what the fuck dude?? Million Dollar Champion Ted DiBiase and Virgil come out. Ted wants to buy this dudes eye…!? Santino then comes out and does this Vulcan neck pinch on Virgil but then gets hit with Dream Street. Long and boring segment.

Unified Tag Team Champions The Hart Dynasty beat William Regal & Vladimir Kozlov when Regal gets hit with the Hart Attack. Short shitty match. Sucks. After the match some new skinny Samoan looking tag team with a chick jump all the Harts and land triple splashes on them at the same time for a sec I thought it was the Croft and Baretta but it wasn’t, oh well.

Josh in the back with the 4 NXT rookies. Gabriel says Slater is getting eliminated tomorrow. Wade agrees with Gabriel. Slater says Otunga is going home. Otunga picks Slater. Slater and Otunga want to go at it right now but they settle on a ham sandwich instead…

They replay last weeks NXT with Bryan jumping Cole. They keep showing Bryan calling Cole a poor mans JR! Cole says he is calling out Bryan tomorrow night to apologize to him or he will sue his ass. Well at least they are making NXT watchable.

Edge and Jericho in the back arguing about who is going to pin Cena tonight.

In the last qualifying match for the RAW Fatal Four Way match at the ppv, Edge pins Jericho with the Spear for the pin. Match was good but only because of Jericho and Edge. After the match Sheamus comes out, then Orton and all four stare at each other with the heels in the middle of Orton and Cena. Good ending.

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